The Secret Power of Saying NO

I've been thinking about writing on this subject for the past couple of days. There are a tonne of other subjects on my list to blog about, but this is a big one. A major one. The holy grail of empowerment and control in life. It's crazy that it's all held in one word, comprising of only two letters. No. 

Now, as you're aware, I'm not a PT, neuroscientist, doctor or life coach. I'm just a normal girl who, over the course of the past three years, made some big changes. To my lifestyle, health and my outlook - on the world and on myself. I cannot tell you how or why saying no makes such a difference, but I can tell you that the eventual feeling of staying true to yourself, your goals and your desires will give you the same high that, for instance, placing a small piece of chocolate in your mouth gives. Or purchasing cool new shoes. Or winning some money. Except the high from saying no lasts a hell of a lot longer. Way longer! It stays with you and encourages you to say no to more things, which only fuels that high. Honestly, it's like putting rocket fuel on your self-esteem. All because you are saying YES to yourself. 

Saying no can help you to master so many things. Dealing with a toxic relationship or friendship, finally setting some boundaries that align with what you really want and feel, mastering a healthy eating plan - whether you want to lose weight, gain weight or bulk up on some muscle, taking some time out to recoup and refresh, dealing with a heavy workload in your job. Honestly, the theme here is pretty endless. However, to do any of this you have to say YES to yourself. You have to commit. You have to take control. You have to worship at the church of your needs, goals and boundaries.

The issue I have found is that, in reality, saying no is really damn hard. It's a habit that you have to practice and create over time. It's like anything you want to master. It takes consistency. And no amount of motivation is gonna create consistency. Only discipline can do that. Unfortunately, the excuses that can hold you back are also endless - "I'll start being healthier tomorrow", "I don't feel like it right now", "what's the point when I'm stuck in this rut",  "I'll deal with that confrontation another time", "what if it causes more problems", "what if I'm being a terrible person", what if, what if, what if?? 

From what I've read and studied, our brains are really freakin' cleaver at anticipating our desires and habits. We create neural pathways when we do something often and these strengthen more and more as we carry on doing that thing. Sadly, that thing could be eating poorly, having a negative outlook on ourselves and our circumstances, choosing bad relationships, choosing to give into our emotions. 

Our emotions... that leads me onto the other spanner in the works. Our brain has it's left and right side - emotional and logical. Due to our caveman ancestors (who had to act quickly when hunting or being hunted) the emotional side of our brain is the more dominant side. Quick to respond. Therefore, we are more likely to reach for the comfort food when feeling down and forget the diet logic, we are more likely to feel overwhelmed with the negative rather than realising that things are still within our control, we are quick to overlook our reasons for saying no. We are quick to feel and give into our emotions. To second guess our boundaries and needs. Then, when the emotions eventually die down, we feel guilt at not sticking to our logic, our goals and boundaries. This cycle is common and, man, have I been there. Binge eating, disordered eating, poor sleep, depression, low self worth, staying waaay too long in situations that are emotionally harmful; basically a whole host of horrible things can come from this. 

So, how do we master saying no? Well, in small steps. Like when building a muscle, we have to practice using it over and over again until it's strong. Those neural pathways need to readjust to different habits. We have to figure out what is important to us without feeling guilty - what we need and want for ourselves and the real reasons why. Of course, there are small ways to trick your brain into doing this. For instance, if I am craving something sweet I often tell myself that I am craving something healthy. You know when you've eaten crap for so long that all you can think about is eating something fresh and green? I try to remember that feeling instead. I tell myself that I'm craving the healthy food. I'm mindful about my feelings and practice logical self-control. But that's just with diet... What about in life? When saying no to a situation or person, you have to remember your reason for doing so, and that it benefits everyone when we are honest and true to ourselves. You have to be firm to be fair. Honestly, there's a real sense of empowerment in saying no when needed, and it breeds respect from those around you.

I'm just going to add here that, when you say no to someone or something, you don't have to do it forcefully. Yeah, it might be a win for you to finally stick it to the man, but a nice "no thanks", "that isn't what I need right now, but thank you", or even "I cant accept that" is perfectly fine. 

Saying no is a superpower I wish I'd harnessed a long time ago. At the beginning of my fitness journey I got so fuelled up on saying no to crappy food and feeling great that I decided to deny myself any alcohol too. That boosted my self-esteem and willpower so much that I decided to say no to an hour of TV in the evening and do a second workout instead. Talk about it snowballing! This is a little extreme though, I know. But my first ever no that led me to where I am today was to the toxic marriage I'd stayed in. That was a big one, that I never thought I'd ever say a big fat no to. But I did. And it unleashed something. I like to think of it as autonomy and empowerment in my own life. Yes, I've had to 'find myself' (hate that term) again - who I am, what I want, what I like, my dreams, goals, future desires. And along the way I've said yes to things I shouldn't have. But in figuring out and flexing my power to say no to what I don't want and YES to what I do want, I have opened more doors that I thought possible. 

So I implore you - say no to more things. Be true to yourself. Build some new neural pathways and habits that support the logical side of your brain. Stick to your goals. Build a healthy, thriving life that YOU want. That long-lasting dopamine high and self-esteem is waiting for you on the other side. You wont regret it. 

Love, Gigi